Sceptimum

One sceptical mother (of two)

Times flies when strangers are probing you with wands

If anyone is wondering where I have been for the last couple of weeks, the answer is “being poked relentlessly by strangers dressed in scrubs”.

Not that there was any emergency (or I was up to anything kinky), it’s all just standard mum-to-be care complicated by a child as contrary as its mother. At around the 20th week in Australia they do a fetal anomaly ultrasound scan examining the fetus in detail, checking the heart and internal organs and measuring all the various bones including the spine. Normally this should take 30 minutes or so, unless your child is uncooperative and in wrong position the whole time.

Transvaginal ultrasounds are pretty much like this.

I’ve spent about 10 hours over the last few weeks at the doctor’s or in the hospital and the child’s nickname is now officially “Little Fecker” so you can draw your own conclusions as to their cooperation levels. Little Fecker has clearly inherited both my hatred of posing for photos and the bloody-minded sense of humour from both sides of the family.

To get most of the pictures they need the child needs to be lying flat and relaxed face-up or down, but Little Fecker apparently felt in a V with hands by feet was the correct way to pose. And, lacking a bribe of a lollipop if they behave, all I could do was bump my uterus around a bit in the hope of changing their position.

So began the 2-day St. Vitus’ Dance Disco Epic that was last week. I jiggled and joggled, walked, danced and pranced, all the in hope of maneuvering the child. No change. I sprinted up and down stairs. No change. The technician jiggled my belly so violently my glasses fell off. No change. I danced to Baby’s Got Back in the hospital bathroom completed with Beyonce-style butt-jiggling. The child moved to an even less suitable angle and started kicking me in the cervix.

After 3 hours, they tried the joy that is a transvaginal ultrasound which would have worked if Little Fecker hadn’t moved to sit on it, giving a wonderful shot of their arse. After 4 hours, they sent me home to come back in the next day. After 6, they called in the most expert staff member they had, who basically turned me upside down on a hospital bed, and punched my belly and other bits with the various wands until the Little Fecker finally let us get the angle we needed.

It took nine attempts at scanning from various angles, spread over 7 hours in hospital, to finally get the pictures that fdoctor needed. And the result, finally given to me after another 2 hours waiting in a doctor’s surgery where I used the wait to come up with ever more pessimistic and far-fetched reasons (“The child is deformed. The child is a quadruped. Oh fuck, it’s actually triplets.”) for the hospital insisting on the thoroughness of the scans?

The child is in great shape. The little fecker.

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7 thoughts on “Times flies when strangers are probing you with wands

  1. Good to hear Little Fecker is in good shape!
    Our little belly-wenches (as I referred to them) took about 5 scans to get all the info needed, due to spine and ribs constantly casting shadows on the organs, but they didn’t stress about sending us home and getting the “rest” of the info at the later scans.

  2. Also, the dildo-cam is severely unpleasant. Sorry to hear you had a “date” with him.

    • The technicians were saying how hard it was to get pics of twins while I was in there, although I noticed they stopped after the third hour or so of dealing with Little Fecker…
      Also, “dildo-cam” is now my favourite word of the week.

  3. Not only am I laughing at your discomfort, but you have the added indignity of know that *you made me* laugh at your discomfort. Sharing the laughter with others might have been just on me, though. Soz.

  4. Wow….what an ordeal! And I thought just the regular ultrasounding at the NT scan was hard to handle. He was pushing on me so hard to move the baby around that I felt like asking if my belly was in his way. Ha. So sorry it lasted so long for you, but glad you got to see everything is good in the end!

    I feel like laughing, but since I haven’t had my anatomy scan yet, I also feel that like that could be tempting fate 😉

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