Sceptimum

One sceptical mother (of two)

“Fun” ways to announce your pregnancy

We’re now hitting the point where we need to tell people there’s a child on the way. I am so not ready for this. I am a chronic over-planner and stage-manager so in an ideal world we wouldn’t tell anyone until a month after the whole thing was over and we had a child to show them in a, “And here’s one we made earlier!” style.

But, at 15 weeks in, I’m getting to the point where my usual fat pants are becoming slim-fit, my dietary restrictions ruin every dinner invite and I’m running out of excuses to avoid alcohol. (“I’m on antibiotics.” “I’m ill.” “Fuck it. I’m a recovering alcoholic who has converted to Islam.”) The families have been told, a few mates are in the loop (hi guys!) and my boss has the heads-up, so it’s time to started spreading the news.

But how to tell people? The flat-out “I’m pregnant”? Or the coy “we’re expecting” –  but expecting what? Mail? Santa? That Keith Richards will be made pope?  I could try  “there’s a bun in the oven”, but that risks disappointing friends who were hoping for baked goods.

So I googled for ideas and, as always with everything pregnancy-related in the internetz, found endless amounts of totally-fucking-unhelpful crazy. Here are just some of the “fun” suggestions:

http://katersart.deviantart.com/art/Here-s-Johnny-188786758

Or you could carve your way in through the door and scream, “…I’m PREGNANT!”

  1. Install an infant’s car seat in the back seat of your partner’s car and see how long it takes for him to notice.  Or, you know, he could decide you have kidnapped and murdered a child and he’s next on the list. Or he has stolen a car identical to his. Or you have finally fucking snapped and require a refreshing break in a mental ward. The possibilities are endless, frankly.
  2. Video the result of your home pregnancy test, upload to YouTube and send the link to loved ones. If you really love them, would you send them a video of you dipping sticks in your pee? What if they are eating at the time? Does this really sound like a “fun” idea for anyone who doesn’t have some really specific fetishes?
  3. Invite people over for dinner and bring out a platter of baby foods jars and sippy cups of apple juice to wash it all down. Why wait until after the birth when you can alienate your friends with a complete inability to manage anything adult now? (This is also a great way to tell your boss.)
  4. Put a bun in the oven and when your guests arrive, open the oven to show them what’s inside and say , “Look what we’re cooking! What is that?” And they will say, “A bun. Moron.” and look at you oddly until you explain.
  5. Ask your partner to get the milk out of the fridge for you but instead of the regular milk jug, leave a breast pump or a can of baby formula in its place. Like suggestion 1, but with the added advantage of putting them off their morning beverage, and your cooking, near indefinitely.
  6. Have restaurant waitstaff bring out a special wine list where the only selection is a vintage from the year your baby is due with a description like “a unique blend of the very best of a special couple.” Are you just trying to turn everyone off food and drink? Because it’s fucking working. And the waitstaff is probably pretty nauseated too. And a vintage from the year the baby is due is either going to be a) impossible for most of the year or b) vinegar. That said, I do admire the passive-aggressiveness inherent in this one. “Want wine? Fuck you, if I can’t drink alcohol you’re not even allowed read the wine list in peace. Fuckers.”

In the absence of the urge to purchase car seats and breast pumps, or to send videos of my pee to those I love, I will probably just go with a simple, “I’m pregnant”. Although I may add “bitches” at the end. Just, you know, to make it “fun”.

As an aside on announcing things, a few people I know in real life are reading this (hi guys!), and have asked if will I go public and pop my name on this blog. The answer is no. While I have no shame and no issue tying my name to my words, given this blog is going to contain a lot of anecdotes about both Himself and The Child, I’d rather not tie their good names to what will doubtless be the giggling, ranting and swearing of a sick and sleep-deprived brain.

So, while if you know me it’s obvious who this is (and I don’t mind people referring people on) I’ll be keeping names firmly off this site. I’d rather not have any of The Child’s prospective friends/partners/employers google their name to discover naked bath-time photos and detailed descriptions of their bodily functions.

That, and threatening to go public will probably be a brilliant way to get them to tidy their room occasionally.

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10 thoughts on ““Fun” ways to announce your pregnancy

  1. After letting the important people know well in advance, once I was comfortable with other people in the world knowing, we just started talking about it as if it was already common knowledge. I enjoyed the “Wait … what? Twins?!” reactions

    It is important to make sure anyone who is very close to you gets to hear firsthand though, but sounds like you’ve already done that?

  2. Telling friends is pretty easy – and fun! – generally, but telling parents and employers were the stressful ones for me. But as they were the people who needed to know first we ended up biting the bullet and doing those ones early one.
    That said, Himself did start the discussion about it with his family, with the phrase, “We have gathered you here together today” which caused me to splutter, “Dude, we’re not in church!”.

  3. WickedWitchoftheWest on said:

    Okay I know that 2013 is getting away from me, due to the lurgy and all, but holy shit I can’t believe it’s 15 weeks! Also, we’re currently planning a baby shower for my boss, so I’ve been perusing baby gifts. Did you know, if you wad a babygro, a vest, a pair of socks and a hat up into separate rolls (like you’re packing for a trip), and then wrap tissue paper around each of those wads so they’re vaguely like flowers in a bouquet, you can wrap the whole thing in a wrapping paper cone, add a small stuffed bear and charge $70 for that bouquet on the basis that it’s like a bunch of flowers? Seven. Tee. Dollars. For one baby outfit. There is some serious money to be made in babies. And you don’t even have to sell them. o_O

  4. I told my (new) employers on my 2nd day at work, coz 14 weeks with twins = no f*cking hiding it.

    • I can imagine. I’m 15 weeks with one and apple shaped to start (so all my clothes are designed to hide the belly) and I’m looking pretty spherical already.

  5. Cat_T on said:

    I’m not looking forward to telling my mum (that you’re pregnant). She may also insist on an instant one-way flight to Australia.

  6. Nichole on said:

    As someone who DIDN’T tell most of my family about the baby for 6 months post (weird circumstances, I know…not the same at all), I don’t recommend it. They get kind of annoyed.

    I’m apple shaped too but didn’t get very big at all. At 9 months I looked maybe 6-ish. That was the joy carrying transverse. Plus, I was already fat but had such intense morning sickness I lost 12 kgs in the first 3 months. Again, I don’t recommend that at all. I hope you are having a much more fun time.

    • I was nauseous but constantly hungry, which was a little cruddy, but feeling far better now. The apple shape is hiding the weight quite well but I feel really chunky and out of proportion at the moment.

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